I have a hundred things that I have been wanting to write about in the last few months… obviously none that actually managed to be blogged. I’m not sure where time has gone. I know this, and a couple of books, are something that God wants me to get done, but I have been so bogged down with life. A lot of great stuff has been happening, but unfortunately during quite a bit of it I felt as a bystander watching “ME” accomplish and do, while in my heart there where so many other directions I have been desiring to go. Things I have been desiring to do… even simple stuff like sped a few minutes with my children, take my daughters on a date, take my son camping, talk with my amazing wife about life and the emotional goo that most of the time men hate to discuss because, well we both need it… and take a few days off simply to pray, fast, and seek God without interruption.
In the past few months of this journey I have seen God do some amazing things. I have seen healing and miracles take place in public places all over my city. I wish I could say to the degree that God wants to see them, but alas, I still get scared from time to time, even selfish with my own time, and still for the life of me can’t figure out why. But, it is happening, not just with me, but with friends. We have also been focusing a lot more in recent months at church on evangelism and seeing God move out in the community with signs and wonders to follow, and they are following… At church we have seen just recently deaf ears opened up, cancer healed, backs, teeth, etc. all healed by God pouring out his spirit. I have seen healing in Walmart, laundry mats, my office… Just a few days ago I got to pray and preach a bit in a McDonald’s. How cool is that? It is just amazing, and also a lot of fun. God is a fun God. I love watching him interact with his children. I love watching people become aware of just how real God is and how much he loves them.
Speaking of church, Jess, my wife, and I have been working in our Kids Church. A couple of years ago, the very thought of that would have made me run in terror. The idea of spending time purposely with a bunch of 5-11 year old kids whom I did not bring into this world was pretty far down my list of things I would rather do more than shove a fork into my eye… but we are having a blast. I love it. Leading a child to the Lord is one of the most amazing things I have ever had the privilege to do, and seeing them grow, get baptized in the Holy Spirit, watching them learn to move in the spiritual gifts, pray for each other, learn to worship… wow… I think I get teary eyed just about every Sunday.
With my job I have steadily been given more and more responsibility, not always with more money to match unfortunately, but God has blessed and helped me achieve goals beyond my own abilities. From all appearances everything in my life is almost perfect.
But, as I have been so eloquently told, I am a duck… You see, when you see a little duck on top of the water, all you see is how smooth they swim. They can be in crashing waves, in the pouring rain, whatever the circumstance, and all we see is how everything seems to roll of their back and they keep on smoothly just swimming along… What we don’t see is how frantic their legs are under that water sometimes just trying to keep moving forward. We don’t think about the fact that they can’t even see what’s under that water… they just have to trust nothing is going to come up and take them under… we just see what is allowed to be seen.
Can i tell you that at times I feel just absolutely beat down? I get afraid. I have to check my own motives. I get my hand smacked by God often for talking like I shouldn’t. I get depressed, tired, want to quit, sometimes feel far from God, and sometimes just feel… can I say, yucky?
God has been working on me in several areas. I am both excited and afraid of what he is doing. I know it is promotion, but a lot of times promotion feels like an absolute beat down by the devil. So together God and I are working on motives, pride, trusting him, slowing down, being obedient to him, hearing his voice, being a better father, not being fearful to go out in public and “be a sign and a wonder.” And trust me, the me in me wants to say, look man, can we just work on one thing here… can I just pick something? But then everything in me just cries out, Lord do as you wish. Here I am on the altar, burn me up, and leave nothing behind.
So I have taken a few days off to just figure out what that looks like. What the next step looks like. What success in God’s eyes looks like. What slowing down, yet still being able to accomplish everything he has set in front of me looks like. Just learning to breathe. I do know it looks a lot less like Shannon and a lot more like him. I know there is still a lof of me left to get rid of. I’m learning that God has sometimes spared me from his own desires for me out of love for me. That may not make sense to you, but it sure does to me.
I’m owning the duck… And I’m ready for some bigger feet.